The Right Fathers
And “Fathers’ Rights”
Yesterday I reflected on how I truly lucked out on dads. Mine, who died much too young, was a gentle and wise man, beloved by everyone who knew him. In the pattern of his generation, he went straight from WWII to marriage, fatherhood and breadwinning. Nonetheless, he gave me endless treasures of attention, teaching me to swim, to fish, to bike, to believe in myself, to study my culture and to explore others. My husband is an extraordinary father as well (after Dad, I had high standards). He is there for me and our children night and day, intelligently solving our problems, goofing us into good humor, modeling strength, patience and sweetness non-stop.
Of course, not all male parents are so invested in fatherhood. Fatherhood among primates is usually a matter of sperm donation, though male humans are quite exceptional in supporting and protecting their families over the long haul. Still, in many human cultures, it is women who are in charge of early child rearing, with men expected to parent by providing material security and guidance to the family. Finding ways to protect families from disinterested, unsupportive or even abusive fathers is a fairly common social problem.
In the West, pre-industrial law gave married fathers broad legal rights over both their wives and children. Women’s growing legal autonomy, including the right to inherit, to own property and to divorce, helped to shift the presumption of custody of young children towards mothers. In the later 20th century, the “best interests of the child” — an international standard — became the touchstone for custody decisions.[1]
When you look up the term “fathers’ rights” in the U.S., you are likely to land on something like this website, describing a movement that militates against a perceived legal bias in favor of women, in terms of custody and child-support decisions. It clothes its anti-mother agenda in features on “emotional support” for angry and deprived fathers, and photos of men hugging kids. In fact, all but five U.S. states have a presumption of joint custody for fathers and mothers, though actual divisions of custody and visitation time are based on the best interests of the child standard. But conservative efforts to restore traditional gender roles and power dynamics are growing, with feminism often perversely blamed for men being unwilling to assume the responsibilities of marriage.
No doubt, there are instances of judicial bias against fathers, even though most judges are men.[2] But in the US, social reality tilts mainly against women. Women typically spend more time than men in parenting, earn far less than men across this nation, and pay a “motherhood” penalty in their careers in comparison to male counterparts. Let’s not even get into the revived restrictions America’s women face on their reproductive rights. Fighting to give men even more power over women in disputes over having and raising children does not strike me as the priority just now.
If we really want to celebrate and promote engaged fatherhood, there are other ways to do it. For starters, stop ridiculing conventional fatherhood (you know — doofy dad jokes; saggy dad jeans; silly sit-com dads). There’s even evidence that women find men who care for children sexy. More seriously, work for mandatory paid parental leave (for men too) and universal health insurance. Promote job training, housing, employment and drug-addiction services for low-income fathers. Praising our own dads is fine, but making engaged fatherhood possible for disadvantaged men today is even better. Just don’t do it by blaming women.
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Notes: [1] Convention on the Rights of the Child, see arts. 3.1, 9.1, 9.3, 18.1, 20.1, 21 for example. In contrast, “parental” rights get short shrift in international law. Men and women may have equal rights as parents, but the interests of children are “paramount” under the pertinent human rights treaty, which also guarantees to both the right to decide on “the number and spacing of their children.” A different international treaty prohibits parental abduction of children from the country of habitual residence
[2] In some countries, there is a formal presumption against paternal custody of children, and movements for “fathers’ rights” focus on changing this to a presumption in favor of joint custody.
